Last night as I sat having my annual bath I saw a spider. Not a big one. Nothing compared to the eight legged freak that laept off the windowsill of my Mums spare bedroom at me last summer, but a fair size. It was having trouble walking on the ceiling and kept falling off only to be spared he drop by it's web laying a line back to the ceiling.

I was luxuriating in my hot water (i remember what it was like not to have it) and keeping an eye on my arachnoid intruder. At that point I was more worried it would come and join me. That has happened before and I have only realised when i got out and pulled the plug!

After a few minutes of stumbling around on my ceiling Boris (as I shall now call it) had obviously decided enough was enough and it was time to make for the deck. I rocked in horror as the little fella just abseiled down it 's own web. The last thing I needed was arachnid blood around my toes if i stepped on it as i got out. I quickly removed a lid of some cheap shampoo stumbled from the bath and lay in ambush at the point of impact with eight legged interloper and the floor. Having quickly secured the little blighter under the lid I continued my bath in peace - contemplating my arachnophobia.

Amazing feat of evolution they may be, but they are butt ugly and really give me the creeps. UK spiders are harmless just butt ugly. I am sure the feeling is mutual.

However it reminded me of those things that people say and I wondered just how the flippin' heck they knew. For instance - the spider is more afraid of you (wanna bet?) than you are of it. How the hell do they know. How do you ask a spider if it is frightened? OK how about "a bee won't sting you if you don't annoy it." Just tell me what annoys a bee and I just won't say it!

Actually that last one was part of a routine I saw many years ago by a Scot going by the name of Bing Hitler, now a US talk show host.

What did they call Barn Owls before there were barns?

I ran out at that point and finished off my ablutions because keeping the spider trapped was not very humane. It got thrown out into the garden to start life anew.