So hold on to your hats.

This is it.

Finally we have arrived at the raison d'etre for the whole trip. The wedding itself.

I had showered and changed into my suit. I don't wear it very often and was surprised to find that it still fitted. But only just. I had had it dry cleaned just before I came out but not so as you would notice. I guess I should have availed myself of suit pressing facilities at the hotel.

We had been instructed nee ordered to the hotel foyer for 3 pm. There we were to be transported the short trip into Stanley park and the Pavilion for the festivities. Our charabanc was a trolley bus. for those of you not familiar with this North American vehicle it is just a bus dressed up with the bodywork of a heritage tram from the 20's era. along with the uncomfortable wooden benches.

Just as myself and my Mum arrived in the lift lobby on our floor we were joined by another couple. As they were all dolled out in their Sunday best we presumed they were travelling to the same place as us.

I would meet one half of this couple the next day as everyone left unfortunately the other half was on God's great white telephone as we used to call the toilet after too many sherberts when i was a younger (and more carefree) man.

In the foyer a charming young lady in impossibly high heels greeted us. So impossible that I would hate to have seen the H & E assessment for them! We were ushered onto the bus and re acquainted ourselves with everyone.

Last on the bus was the condemned man, sorry I mean the Groom. It was the first time I had met him. He seemed in fine fettle.

Time was of the essence, the bus had to return for the bridal party and get them to the church on time. Not that there was actually a church.

The journey was mostly uneventful. There was some consternation amongst the passengers when the driver appeared to try and drive directly through an avenue of rhododendron bushes unaware he was desperately trying to avoid the illegally parked cars on the opposite side of the bus.

The next hour or so was one of those times when you know that somewhere there is a hive of activity, a mass panic, a calamity of such proportions the whole day might descend into anarchy and farce. It just isn't happening anywhere around you. We just had to mill about a bit and make introductions and stuff.

It was noted at this time, as people seemed to have time on their hands, that there was an excessive amount of lint on my (scrumpled) suit. I was determined not to be fazed by this but as time dragged the thought began to grow in my head. After not much time indeed i was becoming concerned.

What followed would have had anthropologists rushing for their notebooks as my brother found a lint remover and (for some strange reason) we convened in the Gents where he brushed me down. It felt very primal I can tell you - all that grooming!

It soon became time to take our seats in the marquee where the ceremony was to take place. Being the modest people (Really??) that me and my family we seated ourselves a few rows back as the front few rows were for important people. Turns out we were the important people! As such the very capable organisers ushered us into new seats nearer the front.

I am a self confessed cynic. I also have a pathological resentment towards showing emotion in public. So to describe the actual wedding for you is mostly difficult.

It was touching. And sincere.

Sorry best I can do.

From here on the wedding departed from any other I had ever experienced. The trolley bus returned. Rather than have all the guests hanging round whilst the photos were taken my cousin had organised a sightseeing tour around Stanley park. So on we hopped on.

As soon as we stepped off the bus the bar had opened so it was time to wet our whistles. The wedding dinner was also a new experience. My experience thus far is that you sit down next to a load of people you have never met before, exchange small talk to old Aunties about Budgies and stuff, listen to a couple of speeches (amusing if you are lucky) and then the disco starts and the drinking starts in earnest.

However in this wedding something was always happening. So the MC would stand up and introduce one of the wedding party, who would give a short speech, or more unusually he got several people to roll an oversize dice and then perform some piece of public humiliation for our entertainment.

Soon it was all over bar the dancing. Not being a confident mover I hid in the bar. Which I might add was free. An old soak like myself knows just how much use i can make of such an item!

And so the evening ended in a slightly hazy fashion. The only question yet to be decided was what time to leave for the ferry to Vancouver Island the next morning. A subject that was vexing all concerned it seemed.

But that, as they say is another story.

None of the speeches was like this but it is a favourite Rowan Atkinson piece of mine